Relational conflicts are an unfortunate component of living in a sinful world with sinful people. But they are also a reality among born-again believers because their sinful natures are still intact despite their redeemed state.
Acts 15 recorded a heated argument between the apostle Paul and Barnabas over Barnabas’s cousin, John-Mark. Barnabas wanted to take his cousin with them on their second missionary trip, but Paul adamantly refused because John Mark had abandoned them during their first trip.
Unfortunately, the contentious dispute between Paul and Barnabas was not resolved, but it severed their long-term ministry partnership. Their split led Barnabas to take John-Mark and travel to Cyprus, while Paul partnered with Silas to travel through Syria and Cilicia to strengthen their churches.
Though conflicts are inevitable, believers should always strive to address them in godly, constructive ways rather than letting their flesh rule and reign.
Below are various aids, instructions, and principles from Scripture designed to help believers address their problems with others and to work toward a resolution. I hope you find them useful:
Pray. Believers should ask the Holy Spirit for knowledge, discernment, understanding, direction, patience, and wisdom before confronting others about existing issues or problems. This act will help prepare them with the right heart, mindset, and attitude for the encounter.
Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
James 1:5-8 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”
Pinpoint the Problem or Offense. Believers must identify the root issue hindering the relationship before confronting the other person. This act will help them address the genuine problem rather than focusing on the symptoms.
John 7:24 says, “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”
Speak Graciously. Believers should always season their words with grace, love, and respect when communicating. Walking in the fruit of the Spirit and exercising self-control will help them foster a productive conversation, whereas lashing out in anger or defensiveness will only add to existing problems and further the divide.
Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.”
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”
Stay On Topic. Believers should keep the conversation focused on the issue or problem they identified in advance so the discussion is productive and leads to a resolution. Attacking the problem rather than the person eliminates character assassinations.
Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.”
Proverbs 4:25-27 says, “Let your eyes look straight ahead, and your eyelids look right before you. Ponder the path of your feet, and let all your ways be established. Do not turn to the right or the left; Remove your foot from evil.”
Listen Patiently. Believers must allow the other person to speak without interruption and listen intently to their responses after clearly conveying the problem or issue to them. They should also ask for clarification when needed and take time to process the information they hear, so they can exercise verbal and emotional self-control when responding.
James 1:19-20 says, “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”
Proverbs 25:12 says, “Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold Is a wise reprover to a listening ear.”
Take Responsibility. Believers must acknowledge and take responsibility for their part in creating the conflict or relational divide (if applicable). They should also maintain a humble attitude throughout the conversation rather than justifying, excusing, or deflecting responsibility for their behavior.
Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.”
2 Chronicles 7:14 says, “If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”
Call a Time-Out. Believers should step away from the conversation if it becomes tense or unproductive. A time-out will provide a cooling-off period for both parties, allowing each to regroup and reflect on the discussion before resuming.
Psalm 37:8 says, “Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.”
Proverbs 15:18 says, “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute.”
Forgive Quickly. Believers must forgive others from their hearts. If the other person is unwilling to repent, believers must still forgive them before God, but should not (verbally) extend their forgiveness until genuine repentance occurs. (Note: Jesus died on the cross for all sinners, but He does not dispense forgiveness or reconcile sinners to Himself without their repentance and belief. Likewise, believers cannot extend forgiveness to those who refuse to repent for offending them, but should forgive them from their heart so Jesus can deal with that person’s stubbornness or pride.)
Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
Matthew 18:21 says, “Then Peter came and said to Him, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’”
Matthew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.”
Seek Godly Counsel. Believers who are unable to resolve issues with others should seek godly counsel to help them navigate their predicament effectively and efficiently.
Proverbs 19:20-21 says, “Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your days. Many plans are in a man’s heart, but the counsel of the Lord will stand.”
Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory.”
Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.”
I hope this information has been helpful and equips you to successfully navigate conflicts with others.
